This post takes a dig at my office, but is meant to be funny. Just for entertainment and in case if I need this in future for a good laugh. It has incidents of various places that I used to work. Most part of it has strong words, swearing, F n B’s and un-parliamentary words as my school teacher would have called it. Anyone who wishes not to see or read these un-parliamentary words are advised to stop right here. All of the below quoted though are true but unpleasant (depends on how you look at it). Call this a disclaimer.
Names in this post will be denoted by **** and places with ####. Anything else would be ????. So here goes.
Coming from a family where my mom would make me call my teacher for her blessings before my big board exams, which says how stupid I and my life was then.
Long ago, when I passed my degree I had no clue of what was in store for me. I, just like any other person, wished to have a awesome office environment with money as required, awesome women around and motor cycles/cars at disposal. Plenty of them. Instead what I got was a sick environment which later on turned funny. Funny mainly because of the swearing involved in this swearing industry. From here on I am going to be a purist 😀
I think our syllabus needs to be revised a lot in college. They should try and teach spreadsheets and other useful things for work. I didn’t even know proper words in English, leave ‘un-parliamentry’ till I started to work.
Like a normal joe, I started as a junior in the department. It was kind of management stuff where we had to attend our meetings and I was tagged along by my boss to a meeting similar. The meeting started with a good morning and in a course of 15 seconds, I saw a fat Motorola phone coming right for me. I moved my head and kept my head there till I was sure that phone has traveled another 10 meters away from me. That was intended to hit my boss I believe, but the clients obviously being Spanish had no clue of how to throw a phone, cos no cricket. If it was an Indian guy, the phone would have been up his throat or my throat. Thanks to street cricketing. So moving on, I was glad that I didn’t die of a fucking fat phone shoved up my throat. That was no good death. Then all I hear is a series of abuse but the phone incident had taken all my attention away. While all this happens, all my manager does sitting there is biting his nails. Obviously, he studied the same syllabus as I did. He had the same degree as I had but at the gap of some years.
From the next meeting I would go in and just as the meeting started I would disappear from the place. One of the time some one came in threw a heavy object he held on our boss
desk. Seeing all this I would think, do they pay me so less to kill me. Didn’t make any sense.
Later on in the same company when there was a review meeting of a 100 people in a ‘not-so’ small hall, the then Project Manager (PM) was talking to a department head who has like 15 people working for him. The PM screams at the department head, ‘If 10 people are shagging, just write it down on the progress sheet. That’s better than not having any progress.’ Imagine in front of a 100 people, he is screaming through a surround sound system. Man, he’s got some daredevil guts and that was funny as hell.
So that was that, but in the recent years it’s become even more funny. There was this guy ****1 and his subordinate ****2. They both are from my company and I am very new here. So get a hang of what is happening I go with them for a meeting.
‘***1, mutherfukker! What the fuk is happening?’ asks ****x who is basically the client. I am astonished to how anyone can swear this bad that too in a meeting. If you think the same, read on.
He informs its all fukked up.
‘ Mutherfukking, cocksukker. When the fuk you gonna do all this shyt!’ He fumbles a bit. Then ****x looks at ****2 and asks ‘ Are you gonna finish the work, or no?’
He calmly replies, ‘No!’
‘Fuk me. I am gonna guarn-fukking-tee you that I am gonna get you all fired if you don’t get it done.’ and then I can’t remember anymore of that shyt. Look at a fukking shoved between guarantee, that’s creative 😛
Moving on, it was few months later I had to go in a meeting with ****y guy who is again from client side. He is an knob-head anyways. We all know that. So I go in and I with my PM who is Brit say ****3 sit there and discuss.
I don’t know jackshyt of what ****y guy is telling but you know there is something in me that keeps telling intervene. I intervene and he asks ‘ The fuk do you know about this shyt. This is some serious shyt.’ I don’t know if it’s serious but it sure is shyt. I look a bit embarrassed but trying to hide that I also nod my head to further discussions. Then again after a bit, that something tells me to intervene again. This time the guy is like ‘Fuk you!’ . Aww.. That sounds so gay, you bastard.
Then later on couple of weeks past and I was in a meeting and ****y is there again. I have by all these years become an asshole by deeds (professionally) and I walk into the meeting with my laptop, no paper and no pen. Later on as he says the action points on which we should work on I sit there with no pen and paper. He asks me,
‘The fuk you not writing it down.’
I told that I have it all in my memory acting like a super-computer smart ass. But come on he is a fukking trash, he is asks me,
‘Then repeat the shyt I told’
I was like ‘ Let it out, maadar yaar, let it out.’ (as in ownage pranks)
And I managed to fumble couple of things and then he repeats it all again. Aww, you kindergarten teacher. grrrr!!!
Some months ago, ****3 went to apologize to some Indian guys in client side for abusing the shyt out of them, come on man. They are Indian, they know only Indian abuses, not foreign. So after apologizing, he meets this guy ****A and says, do I owe you an apology too for using fuk too often? He is like ‘ Fuk off curva (bitch/slut) and shove that right up the place where sun doesn’t shine’. The client guy also recollects how he used to get fukked 3 times a day before at his last job. It was all laughter then.
And a last incident,
Couple of months ago a guy from client say ****z comes into our work place and calls our people fukking wankers for not getting the job done. When my PM ****3 hears this,
‘Did that dick-head call my people a fuk-wanker? I am gonna go there shove my boot right up his arse, and fuk the muther out of him.’ I laughed my gut out hearing this and nearly fell off my chair.
When I was 8 yrs, I got spanked, caned and belted (beaten by a leather belt) for swearing at my friend by my father. Yea, he was good at spanking the shit out of me. So if you guys think I too naive, I would like to clear that perception. For some reason in India, mother fucker seems far more respectable than maadarchod though they have the same meaning and kind of same weight. We are so western influenced that we don’t encourage swearing in our native languages. I am still pondering why!!!
I hope my office gets more interesting. 😛
As a tribute to ownage pranks let me share a good prank video here. I love ownage prank, it’s so funny and I laughed throughout the night after watching it.